


implications

by rudderless in an ocean of stars (indelibly_ellie)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, F/M, Natasha-centric, Non-Graphic Smut, Unrequited Love, introspective, like legit it's not even smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 06:51:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10894014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indelibly_ellie/pseuds/rudderless%20in%20an%20ocean%20of%20stars
Summary: Natasha Romanoff isn't built for love.Still, Clint Barton tries.Introspection. Oneshot.





	implications

She knows what they think of her. How they see her. What they know she can do and what they find her incapable of.

 

That she can kill a man with her bare hands in a hundred different ways- a thousand, if she can use her legs.

 

That she can torture a man to the brink of death and still go to bed at night without losing even a minute of sleep.

 

That she is as heartless as her namesake.

 

She wants to say something, prove them all wrong with the one thing they wanted from her- the truth.

 

That she has night terrors so violent that she’s left Clint with scars during the earlier days of their partnership, before he’d gotten used to pinning down an assassin trapped in her dreams.

 

That her memory has holes, gaps, that she feels with every breath, as though the air she pulls in rattles the empty corners of her soul.

 

That there are times when she can barely keep herself from screaming with the endless ache of it all- the endless experiments leaving her nerves still echoing with a pain she’s not sure she’ll ever truly escape.

 

But she can’t. She won’t. If she gives even an inch, they won’t stop at a mile.

 

She’s the Black Widow, and she’ll be damned if she lets anyone take anything else from her.

 

Because that’s all people have done to her. Her parents, her memories, her mind… All of it, torn apart and stitched back together with the clumsy hands of men with war on their minds and little else.

 

No one ever wonders about the girl beneath the blood. All they see is the red on her ledger, and she expects that. But that doesn’t mean she has to like it. With memories like bullet-ridden bodies, however, she knows she probably deserves it. The parts of her mind that she can still salvage are filled with the worst things a human is capable of, and it isn’t even half of what is listed on her file.

 

So when she goes to get a drink at Tony’s private bar, she drinks to wash it all away. When the liquor reaches her bloodstream, her senses are dulled and her constant migraine vanishes. It’s the closest thing she can get to peace.

 

When she wakes up in Clint’s bed, completely naked and absolutely sated, she knows that she’s screwed up big-time. And, like almost every other thing she’s done in her life, she can’t remember a second of it.

 

To his credit, he doesn’t treat her any differently. But when he offers her a drink the next night, she knows the implications of her actions are not yet over. She knows Barton. If she takes the drink, it’s still no strings attached. She needed last night, and he knew it. If she needs another night, he’ll give it to her.

 

The bourbon makes her voice husky when she replies, “Lead the way, Barton.”

It’s rough, and harsh; she rakes her nails down his back as he digs his teeth into her throat. His grip is bruising and he thrusts into her at an almost punishing pace.

 

She welcomes the mix of pleasure and pain.

 

Later, limbs tangled in rumpled sheets, his hands tell a different story as they trace the curves of her body with a reverential touch.

 

She knows how he feels- and worst of all, he’s painfully aware of that fact.

 

She knows she doesn’t feel the same.

 

She knows she never will.

 

She knows she never _can_.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if you thought that would end well.
> 
> I do ship Clintasha with all my heart, but this fic just wrote itself...
> 
> Leave a review, adopt an assassin.


End file.
